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blurry_motion1
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Name: Rick-ardo
Location: Illinois, United States
Birthday: 3/13/1987
Gender: Male
Interests: i like breakin whenever i get the chance, hangin out with friends havin fun...avoidin dramama, and bein happy
Expertise: my dancing is my passion and the cave in my head...to disrupt my peace and tranquility of this place will result in massive amounts of unspeakable pain...
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
AIM:  jediprphcy
Yahoo:  dance_munky387
Member Since:
12/31/2003
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| I think out of all the spies in mentioned today the one I'D wanna be the most is Jason Bourne. He just seems the most realistic out of the whole "Bond" approach. Don't get me wrong Bond's a IP II IMI IP!! but he never instantly reacts the same way as Jason Bourne. Picture Jackie Chan except a little more serious.
Anyway, finally getting that out of the way. Sooooooooooooooooooo... Life.
So I recently read a book called "The Alchemist" and man if were to recommend any book to anyone, this would be it. The whole story is intriguing all the way through the end, but the whole basis of the book and what it's REALLY trying to tell you is probably the best subliminal message you could ever get.
I find myself at ends in these new days of my life. I feel like I'm turning into a drone...a robot... a rhythm-less void. And for some reason it seems like the reason for this is because I think too much, which ironically I feel like I'm literally getting dumber because of the lack of school in these past.... 3 years? Now more than ever have I thought about my life and what my "worth" in this world is. When I was younger I remember always having this feeling of success within me. Like I was IN-TUNE with everything going on in the world. Maybe because at the time there wasn't really that much going on around me or within my borders of the world I had built for myself.
Over the past years I realized how much I like school, But as always I tend to second guess myself and think maybe its an effect of feeling "institutionalized". The same way some prisoners get after being exiled from the world, then set back into life. Kind of like a zoo animal. Anyways I think it's more for the better because I realized that in school I was exposed to so much more in life. Even subconsciously, since I never had patience for class. I had so much more to say and I feel like there were so much more things clicking. Anyway I'm desperately trying to get back into school. But in the meantime, as always, trying to find a scheme to get rich.... nope haven't started slangin yet....even though all the people I know that do it or have done it have been pretty successful so far. But I always feel like all good things come to an end, and I'm pretty sure with the way I am about things that are good or feel good to me tend to go sour after some amount of time  .
My "GAME" with girls is way different. I mean that in both ways, the latter being the RELATIONSHIP game. I'm smarter now and not as much of a little pussy when it comes to girls. Sure I still get hurt every now and then, but a lot less than before....thank god. I have been talking to one girl, and of course something so good happens to be the furthest from me, which now that I think about it isn't so bad because I guess this way it's kind of like keeping the relationship in cryo-like stasis. we talk a lot on the phone and it's good.
I could be wrong and it could just be me, But I feel like Friends have also changed. Like I said then again it could just be me and everyone else around me is just moving as normal through life while I'm on pause or slow motion mode. Friends have changed but not for the worse, I don't think for the worse but just in different ways. Everyone's still a good friend and I still feel more then rich with them around.
Breaking is different too. I think because I've been trying different things in my dancing that everything else that I felt I was good at before or was my "characteristic" is different. Basically I don't feel it as much as I used to, But I just think because my mind is elsewhere so much now that I feel I can't enjoy breaking the way I used to. I think now I see breaking as a sort of reward for the way I had been living my life. Yea I wasn't always in the "right" path of things but I was going to school and felt like I was the right place in my life, at that point in my life. Now I feel like I'm falling behind and I think it comes out through my breaking. I just need to get my shit together.....
I don't play as many video games as I used to and I'm upset about that. I now feel like video games also, while deprived me of certain things in my life, also kept my mind in a constant state of reacting, or constant state of moving. But yea, now I read more, and I hardly watch any television since I've also begun to think about "the world" and how I feel like I want to "fight the revolution" and help those more unfortunate than myself. So I've been thinking about joining the peace corp.
My variety in music has slimmed down a bit. I remember I used to listen to a lot of different things back in the day and now It stays closer to hip hop.
well I'm gettin sleepy... and hungry and now I'm a little more disappointed in myself because I was trying hard to force myself to stay disciplined to my workout routine but I keep fuckin up lately.
Mood of the day- tired of that bolesheet
Song of the day - Live it parts1&2 By: Dj Maker
Feelings about tomorrow - STAY PRODUCTIVE!!!!!
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| APRIL FOOLS DAY.
Ironic that the title of the day, seemed to match me at the same time. Remember that "click"
I mentioned before? the one I have to get in order to have a civilized
relatinship with my ex? It happaned. On this day.
Don't even want to talk about it, just want to forget about it.
But it happaned, both diffrently and the same as how all my past
special lady relationships ended up.
I just saw half of the movie "The Secret". It was basically about the laws of attraction. Basically If you think positive and feel
positive then whatever it is that you "desire" will come to you
eventually. For example if you wanted a specific car, all you had
to do was think about it as if you already have the car. Feel how
good it is and somehow your thoughts would change the cosmos so that an outcome would happen, and you would get what you've been desiring.
....and yes I did try it for what I wanted with my ex. But it
also made me remember something I had forgotten. And it was Joe
that put it in the best words. He said, "there's nothing worse
then trying to make someone love you".
It also made me think of religion. Recently my parents have been
very into religion and it's made my relationship with them a lot
easier. I feel less stress on my shoulders from them, and the
same vibe from them. They just seem more positive. Like
finding the real meaning in the words they say instead of just saying
them because it seems like the right thing to say.
A lot of things about the bible and the law of attraction were really
similar to me. Basically I thought the bible was how to
keeping positive and keep that mentality and attitude of "always keep your head up"; help book. I mean with some add's.
Any way...
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| so i'm sitting in matt's room. its 4:40 AM and...yes. Whoever REALLY knows me...knows that i am a child. I once explained to an ex girlfriend a metaphor of mine it goes, "i'm like that little kid that sneaks in to a scary movie...I know I'm gonna have nightmares and be scared shitless later, but even with that expectation I watch it anyway". Boy if I ever said something stupid...it had to be that. It relates a lot with my recent break up. I idiotically stay tuned into what I want to call "The you asked for it jackass" channel. I still look at my ex's myspace page and find a bunch of pictures of her with guys and make myself stupid, irrational, and full of racing emotions...and just like always rage and sadness are neck to neck at first. I still give the interrogation phone call that I have no right giving in the first place. Who is that guy?, are you gonna hook up? DON'T YOU LOVE ME?...when, all but the last question, shouldn't have answers to, not to me anyway, not to anyone for that matter.
You see I guess it's also a lot of things. I mean honestly, I've been there...next to her as she shows disgust or flat out lies to people that she 'loves'. The way she only keeps certain people around that only benefit her. I mean don't get me wrong she isn't as cold hearted as I may make her sound, then again I'm just stating the bare facts that I saw while being next to her. Anyway point is I can't help but not trust her at times when we speak...like the occasional "i'll call you back my best friend is calling me" when the whole time i think...how dare she hang up with me to talk to some other guy that I'm probably sure is calling her. When at first I was her 'god' in her own words. OHHHH how much she idolized me at one point and the next your at the bottom of the fucking chain.
I should have just listened to myself. "don't even stay in contact with her", "erase her from your life temporarily so you can fucking get over her and be able to talk to her in a civilized manner instead of this emotional shy school boy crush, like when you know they know you like them and thats all you wanna talk about".
I keep smoking till my throat is shriveled and my brain is in a trance. Just thoughts of nothing Trying to stay above the water so-to-speak. Only concentrating on whatever it is that I'm doing at the moment and trying to do it right. It is a temporary relief. I mean don't get me wrong...I chief up to have a good time, I mean I started to do it before the relationship, but it never got so good as to when I did it with her. I would try to stay conscious of my surroundings, while she would be making my high seem irrelevant because whenever she would get my attention, I would concentrate on her and her only...and man the thin line between love and lust is like a hair, and I mean thin like a bald man. Because boy did we have lust and man was it intense. Getting off subject, anyway smoking is great when your feeling shitty but it can also be the worst after and during. After getting out of whatever stupor it was you were in. your right back in the middle of everything. AND notice how I said MIDDLE not a little later or...while you were gone...no, getting high in the middle of any problem/depression or whatever it was you were in only PAUSES time, everything, all the bullshit dissipates all your doing is laughing about whatever movie your watching or how bad someone else in the room is tweaking out. And when you come back to life, you realize that you have just fucked yourself...all you did is make yourself stay in the I'M FUCKED UP zone only longer.
It's hard to get into something again or into something new, especially when your financially unstable. Women love money, the next time you hear another woman say "money doesn't mean anything to me" and you aren't financially stable, just turn around and walk away from that disaster waiting to happen. Because it is true friends, and not only for women, see this is one thing where I will commend women on, If you have money and are substantially stable in your life, meaning you have your own car (a nice one) paying your own rents, buying your own clothes, food, toys and still have money to support and nourish them on the weekend and or whenever. Then pat yourself on the fucking back because that my friends is what a good man is. Those are the BASIC needs to snatch yourself any fucking woman you want. The other things are good personality but thats all after, unless your good looking and your special other is the type that when she sees you and thinks to herself "i have to have him" then your lucky. But that also isn't the best way to get into a relationship but thats another paragraph. Just remember, get a good fucking job that pays well because only after then will you find your "true love" your other half and maybe even your wife. Put yourself in their shoes, would you go out with a girl that has no money and puts her life on your shoulders because your her only source of money and you are obligated to give it up when she asks because you signed the 'Love Contract' but you didn't read the fucking fine print at the bottom that mentioned all that. No you wouldn't like that at all, so neither do they. So check yourself before you try and let someone in because before you get all those things everyone else and I mean EVERYONE else can and SHOULD just be considered practice for your spouse.
All the trials and tribulations you go through with your intimate relationships before your spouse are just trial and errors.
All the while going through all this I think back to my days as a kid. Should I blame it on the fact that my real father was never there to tell me to "man up" or tell me that a man is not supposed to show vulnerability? Instead my mom married a guy that completely hated my being of existence. I never got the memo of how to act and feel like a man...I was fathered by my friends, their families, hip hop, and movies. Maybe it was all in the fact that all I had in life was my mother and sister, and even then they didn't teach me enough because even then they were still arguing with my step-dad about who left a dish dirty. Because even that would cause a war in my house, with the addition to the hatred he already had for me and anything I did wrong would only further his hate.
So now I'm 19 and I feel like I'm back as a freshman in high school. I lacking in a car, good money, bills, and better clothes...not to mention that I really need a haircut. I'm still a mess because all the weed and non constructiveness actions I've made are only prolonging my depression. I haven't made that change yet. I haven't gotten that click in my head that will truly make me believe that every thing's gonna be alright. I think that somewhere in high school at some point I realized that I''m emo. Not that I'm proud of it, I am trying my hardest at all times to stray away from that because, all an emo person is, is someone that let's their emotions control them. When it's supposed to be the other way around.
My key to making myself feel better is to realize that my ex and I are never, NEVER going to go back out again. Why? we both have the same zodiak sighn and last I checked, that never works out..we both view certain things differently and we both weren't made for each other. only then will i be able to continue a normal relationship with her because then I can look at her and know that it will never happen again no matter how bad i want it to.
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| I really hate my life right now
mood: fuckin tired of everything
song for the day: Royce-We all make mistakes
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| So I'm fucked up...yea I do take certain things to the heart like I do...but maybe that's my fault for not letting you know, that I am like that since the beginning..that way you could've seen that what I need is, someone that will be patient with me. Who will care for me so much that they would want to go through hardships with me. That will always give me a chance no matter how stupid the reason may be. I'm told that sometimes I tend to be the girl in the relationship. I'm sorry...I just think that nobody should bottle up their feelings, sometimes I tend to have a short fuse, but please excuse me, the frustration or aggravation gets to me and I blow up. I'm a very emotional person. Is that good or bad? It always seems like I'm always the one taking a broken relationship a little more harder..or always the one trying for it, never giving up on it.
Maybe it was never someone just giving up on me..but more that i pushed them to that affect..whatever the reason..im always hurt either way..please god not again..please! 
current mood: upset as hell
current music: Mos Def-Travelling Man (Remix)
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